Dear Sir/Madam,

Let me first say that I am a great fan of KFC and have been known in recent history to quite literally "live off" the stuff for stupidly long periods of time. Recently, however, I have been forced to make the harsh decision to boycott the restaurants. I have even gone as far as to blog my decision, much to the disbelief of most of my friends who know that I'll likely starve as a result.

I am one to stick to my principles, and I am also not one normally swayed by advertising. However, the recent "operatic" campaign is just so painfully awful that I have chosen never to set foot in a KFC again until they are removed from the television. The whale-mouthed screacher who takes a full 30 seconds of "woooaooaooaoohhh" to tell her colleague that he can't have her mini-fillet burger is a bigger deterrant for KFC than Supersize Me was for McDonald's.

Perhaps it seems a little backwards but I very rarely jump at a new product (or decide to revisit a store I normally frequent anyway) on the basis of advertising. However, if something annoys me enough then I will find it quite easy to refuse to pass my money to that company again on the basis that they've wasted my hard-earned cash by paying some advertising executive who needs a kick up the back end rather than a bonus. I won't touch Sainsbury's because I hate Jamie Oliver, for instance. Mind, that big-gobbed woman really gives him a run for his money in the hate stakes.

I would, as such, be very grateful if you could give me a ballpark idea of when this intensely annoying campaign is due to finish its run. While my arteries are breathing a sigh of relief and the local sandwich shop is doing cartwheels at the added income, I do miss my Tower burgers.

Incidentally, I also think that another of the ads was rather ill-advised. Who on earth thought that having a bunch of "African Americans" singing about fried chicken was going to help shift burgers? What next? Watermelon desserts and a kids meal with a toy butler that says "Yus, Massah?".

Good grief.

Yours faithfully (and with a rumbling stomach and rapidly unclogging arteries),

etc.

P.S. In readiness for this assault on the senses being binned, is there any chance you could restore the "restaurant finder" that used to be on the web page?

"I apologise that this complaint has been sent to us in error ... I have returned your complaint to WAGN"

• Pulled leg/groin muscle


• Burned finger


• Bitten inside of lip (three times)


• Bashed head near eye


• Deep scratch along neck


• Damaged shoulder muscle


• Eye infection (twice)


• Bashed head on top (2-3 times - low ceiling)


• Almost been run over by wanker in an Audi


• Cut nose while shaving (I was in a rush, ok?)


• Particularly nasty cat scratch on my thumb that's taken 2 weeks to heal

• An animal won't shag your best mate behind your back


• An animal won't "borrow" stuff off you and never return it


• An animal won't pretend to be your best friend to your face and spread shit about you on a bulletin board seconds later when it thinks you're not looking because it's fucking paranoid and managed to convince itself that you're trying to get its girlfriend into bed


• An animal will never intentionally use you


• An animal won't put it's fucking stereo on full blast at 7:30 on a fucking Saturday morning


• An animal will only break your heart by dying


• An animal won't try and get itself out of trouble by dropping you in the shit by lying about something that it was to blame for


• The only time an animal will shit on you is if it's got a bad stomach

"... it would appear that your comments do not relate to our services ... I have passed your correspondence on to the appropriate company ... GNER"

"The points you raise concern issues outside of our area of responsibility and your case has therefore been forwarded to ... WAGN"

"We can only answer comments which relate directly to our areas of responsibility ... forwarded your correspondence to ... National Rail Enquiries Service"

Thanks very much for getting in touch and for your comments about CSI. My attention to the "similarities" between this episode and my novel SLEEPYHEAD was first drawn a few months ago when it was first shown on US TV...

I have looked into things legally and it would be an understatement to say that it is a VERY tricky area to go into...

I have been in touch withy the programme makers who claim not to have read the book. They DO claim that they've since read it, think it's brilliant and that it would be great if I could go and write for the show!! All very nice of them wouldn't you say?

We'll wait and see what happens.At the very least I hope to be writing an article about the whole experience around the time when the next book comes out.

Thanks again for the heads-up and I hope you continue to enjoy the books.